she told me i tasted like america
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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