GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
