I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
