every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
