you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
