A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
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I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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