I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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