Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
