i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
