why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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