Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
