how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
