How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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