I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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