Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
