I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
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Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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