Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
