You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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