Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
