i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
