New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
