Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I will pee on everything he values.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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