Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We have started to decorate penises.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
