I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
