Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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