oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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