All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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