What did we do last night that was yellow?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
