i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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