the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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