You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
