I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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