I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
