i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
