I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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