he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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