at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
