then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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