she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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