Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
