There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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