I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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