I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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