I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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