I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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