On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
