Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
no. you can't hotbox the world.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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