matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
