Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
