The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
