I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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