I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
