So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
