NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
