I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
