Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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