Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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